Pickles from Pluto

The barking abstract project


Yesterday, I stumbled over an old scientific paper about worms. It says: “The presence of worms affects how much carbon dioxide is produced in the soil and how much escapes to the atmosphere. Scientists are concerned that earthworms increase greenhouse gas emissions – and that worm numbers are on the rise…”

I’m sure you like that. Sadly the paper also says: “Despite the efforts of the humble earthworm, the vast majority of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere – which is responsible for 60 per cent of the total warming from greenhouse gases – is caused by human activities such as burning fossil fuels and deforestation…”

Well yes, that sounds bad for Humans, but isn’t a reason to worry. We Plutonians are good at finding fast solutions. My boss tends to say that I am an exception to that rule and that I should keep my ideas for myself but as he isn’t around I will tell you my plan.

Humans should simply stop to grow cows and start to grow earthworms. First, they eat less. Second, they work underground, don’t need antibiotics and are cheap. Third, the rainforest can stay. And fourth: worms reproduce really, really, really fast. Increasing their number could very quickly make them responsible for the rising carbon dioxide levels and humans could do what they can do best: not care about anything and go on with their no matter how harmfull activities and that without any remorses. Not that they have some, but just in case, they could then simply blame the worms for the climate crisis.

Sounds good, right?

A problem could, however, be, that the amount of worms needed to surpass the human made emissions would probably lead to a total collapse of your planet. But that’s totally neglectable, because your planet will collapse anyway. And in this special case there would at least be enough earthworms around to recycle all the corpses!


📚 Lubbers et al., (2013) Greenhouse-gas emissions from soils increased by earthworms. Nature Climate Change

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